GLAAD Doubles Down on Phil Robertson Controversy

Breaking News

APC*
by Yushud Choosewisely

Flushed with the success of their efforts to get Phil Robertson suspended from the wildly popular Duck Dynasty series, GLAAD has decided to double down on their efforts to intimidate and silence all opposition to their agenda.

“We were shocked and deeply offended,” said a member of GLAAD’s Commission for Politically Correct Theology, “by Phil Robertson’s comments, but as we studied them more in detail we realized that Mr. Robertson is only a symptom of a much greater problem, namely God and the Bible.  I mean, have you ever read what the Bible says about homosexuality?  It does say that gay and lesbian sex is sin.  It calls it ‘detestable’, ‘wicked’, ‘perversion’, ‘shameful lust’, ‘unnatural’.  Robertson was correct that the Bible says that those who engage in homosexual sex will not inherit the kingdom of God.  These are some of the vilest and most extreme statements uttered against LGBT people in a mainstream publication.  Let’s face it, God is an intolerant, homophobic bigot, and the Bible perpetuates this unacceptable bigotry among a certain element of Christianity.  Something must be done about this.”

“God and the Bible claim to be Christian, but God’s lies about an entire community fly in the face of what true Christians believe,” said GLAAD rep Wilmont Crude. “He clearly knows nothing about gay people or the majority of Americans, who support legal recognition for loving and committed gay and lesbian couples. God’s decision to push vile and extreme stereotypes is a stain on Christianity and its adherents who now need to reexamine their ties to someone with such public disdain for LGBT people and families.”

“We call upon all Christian Churches to indefinitely suspend God from their services and to immediately cease to use current versions of the Bible as authoritative in matters of faith and practice.  By taking quick action and removing God from future services, churches will send a strong message that discrimination is neither a Christian nor an American value.”

“All existing copies of the Bible should be turned over to your local GLAAD office for destruction.  If there is no GLAAD office in your city, they should be turned in at the nearest Democrat Party headquarters.  We are currently working with progressive thinking theologians on a new politically correct edition of the Bible which should be available in the near future.  It will be based in part on the work of Marcion, a brilliant Christian scholar of the second century who was wrongly accused of heresy because of his progressive views.  The PC Bible will exclude what is commonly known as the ‘Old Testament’, and parts of the ‘New Testament’ found in current versions of the Bible.  What remains will be cleansed of antiquated homophobic references, and the only sins will be intolerance, racism, bigotry, and social injustice.  We will also be adding some texts from inspired gay and lesbian persons of faith.  We are in talks with online retailer Amazone.com to stop the sale of all other versions of the Bible except the PC Bible.”

“It is time for God and the Bible to evolve on LBGT issues, just as our glorious, messianic President has done.  God should sit down with some loving gay and lesbian couples and have a conversation on the unsinfulness of gay sex.”

When APC sought to reach God for comment, this reporter was directed to God’s spokesman, the apostle Paul.  “Mr. Crude’s comments regarding what the Bible says about homosexuality are accurate, and we stand by them unequivocally” said Paul.  However, what Mr. Crude fails to understand, or perhaps simply ignores, is the fact that God has made it clear in the Bible that everyone is a sinner.  I, myself, am the biggest sinner of them all.  Because of our sins, none of us deserve God’s grace and forgiveness, but because of God’s love, he has offered salvation and forgiveness to everyone.  However, he has done so on his own terms.  To receive God’s forgiveness, a person must recognize that he is a sinner.  He must turn away from his sinful way of life, put his faith in Jesus, who died in our place on the cross and rose again on the third day, invite God to transform his life, and then, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, he must live a life of obedience to God and his word, the Bible.”

“Morality,” Paul continued, “is a reflection of the very nature of God.  God is holy, so we must be holy.  God is love, so we must love.  God is merciful and forgiving, so we must be merciful and forgiving.  God is just, so we must be just.  Unfortunately, most people today no longer understand what real justice is all about.  They have been duped into replacing true justice with social-justice, economic-justice, environmental-justice, or some other ‘hyphenated justice’, all of which are simply disguised forms of injustice.  And many people seem to think that God’s love is in conflict with his justice, but it isn’t.  God’s various attributes are in perfect harmony with one another.  When people deny the existence of God, or choose to believe in a god who conforms to their beliefs, then morality becomes a reflection of the bent nature of mankind, and in so doing, it ceases to be moral.”

“It is true that many people who call themselves Christians no longer believe much that God has revealed to us through the Bible, but contrary to Mr. Crude’s claim, those are not ‘true’ Christians.  True Christians are those who believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God, and who, with God’s help, live their lives in obedience to its teachings.  When real Christians talk to people about sin, it is out of love, not hate.  It is not for the purpose of belittling or putting anyone down.  They do so because God’s salvation and forgiveness can only be received by those who recognize their sinfulness and are willing to let God transform their lives.  People like Mr. Crude don’t want to be changed.  They want God to change, and to praise their immoral lifestyle.  It is not Christians like Phil Robertson who are condemning homosexuals, it is people in groups like GLAAD who are condemning the very people that they claim to serve.  By insisting that homosexual sex is not sinful, and in fact is something to be celebrated with pride, they discourage their constituents from considering the possibility of repentance, which is what can truly set them free.  In my day, the people in Corinth were involved in all kinds of sinful activities, including some who engaged in homosexual acts.  But many of them repented and put their faith in Jesus, their lives were transformed, and their lifestyles changed.”

“As for GLAAD’s demand that churches suspend God and the Bible from their services, there are quite a few that did that a long time ago.  But there remains a faithful remnant – which at the moment happens to be fairly large in America – that will not be intimidated or silenced.”

“With regard to Mr. Crude’s suggestion that God should ‘evolve’, our position remains that he is the same yesterday, today, and forever more.  He is not a man that he should lie or change his mind.  But he does intend to have a conversation, not just with a few gays and lesbians, but with every single one, and not only with them, he plans to have a personal meeting with every single person who has ever lived.  But if I might be permitted to use one of brother Phil’s favorite phrases, when God does have those conversations, those who have repented will be happy, happy, happy, those who have not repented will be sad, sad, sad.  But hey, it’s their choice.  For our part, we stand with brother Phil.”

*© APC (Associated Press clippings)

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